Satire: Seven tips for Arabs at airports


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Learn the best ways to not get felt up for looking different with these handy tips.

Omar Waheed

If you’re anything like me, being Arab and wanting to travel long distances via plane rather than a seemingly endless road trip can be difficult. If you manage to make it through the airport, you can be sure to be “randomly” selected every single time. Here’s some tips to make you journey as an Arab a little bit more comfortable.

1. Try not being Arab

I know, the most obvious choice. Pretend to be one of the ethnicities that kind of look like Arabs. Try being Latino.

2. Avoid planes

You won’t get randomly selected if you never fly. Drive 22 hours from Iowa to Arizona.

3. Moan during the random selection

Make it as uncomfortable for them as it is inconvenient and racist for you. Ask them after “was it good for you too?”

4. Bring your more aggressive looking Arab friend to the airport to distract TSA

His beard is way longer than yours, his name is Hussain and he always carries a copy of the Quran. You would be scared to be on the same plane as him too if you didn’t know him.

5. Bring a copy of the bible and wear a cross

Throw them off the trail as they think you’re playing for their team instead.

6. Trick the TSA into reciting the Shahada

Repeat after me “Ashadu an la illah…” You know this trick. You did it on all your white friends. Make the TSA convert to Islam so they have to start inspecting each other in an endless cycle of “random sections” at the airport.

7. “I am a Saudi Prince”

There’s so many of them. Bring out your nicest shalwar kameez and gold.