Satire: I’m looking for a roommate



A quality and fully stocked kitchen, my apartment will be the perfect place to become a master chef as we live together.

Eric Exner

Are you looking to live in the middle of Iowa? Do you also not have that much money? Are you overall, a cool dude? Then please, consider me as a possible new roommate.

Let’s talk about the amenities. Wifi is included, and the password is some dumb Lord of the Rings thing. There’s extra storage in the basement that we’re allowed to use, but you won’t want to use it because it looks kind of murder-y down there.

The single coin operated washer and dryer for the 10 unit apartment complex will make you wonder, “Where do all my neighbors do their laundry? Because I’ve never seen anyone else down here.”

But what is there to do? Internet things. Anything on there, we got it. Swimming pool? No. Just a bathtub I don’t really fit in.Want to hang outside? Sure, take a walk in the woods out back that might be private property, but no one has ever mentioned it to you, so whatever right? 

And what about the inside? It comes tastefully furnished with a frat table,  a floral rug from Wal-Mart, a permanent Christmas tree with an odd amount of sports ornaments, an old bumper pool table that I guess was big in Czechoslovakia, folding chairs, uncomfortable disco era chairs from a dead relative and of course, a large beanbag.

Now let’s talk about food. With a full kitchen, no matter the ingredients, from eggs to cabbage, I can make anything that at least I will eat. But I also eyeball all measurements to add chaos to my life, so heads up.

How about the commute? Parking is available even if I believe that cars are vessels of the devil. Campus and several bus routes are also available and within walking distance, but you will likely drive out of convenience, and so I can think that I’m better than you.

But now back to me. What are we going to do together? See that’s where the fun begins. No weird sexual stuff I swear, unless you’re really into it, but we can cross that bridge later if it comes to it. Maybe we could play catch with the old rugby ball?

We could possibly check out that type of pool from central Europe that was mentioned earlier (the bathtub), learn to ballroom dance together, listen to an uncomfortable amount of jazz from the 1930s, drink tea while you play the theremin for our in apartment band or work out with the loose weights I found laying around. Is anyone up for a game of marbles?

If you’re interested in the apartment, please email me at [email protected]. If you want to play a pickup game of marbles, add me on Snap or meet me by the sodapop fountain on Fridays every other fortnight.