Central campus could be a money-maker

Elton Wong

Nature has indeed played a cruel trick upon us — a trick named Ricky Martin. Oh no, wait, what I mean is nature played a cruel trick on us by placing the sunniest, warmest days of spring right before finals.

Finals are a time when students must summon up vast and untapped reserves of willpower to force themselves to study. Even during winter finals, this is bad enough.

However, the seductive call of springtime is often the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Let me speak from my own experience. I’ll be sitting in my room during dead week, tearing the plastic shrink-wrap off my 200-pound molecular genetics textbook. I’ll have a nice soothing CD of Chopin waltzes on the stereo, and maybe a pleasantly chilled can of Coke by my side.

I’ll just have started reading the book, the part that says: “Genetics is the study of….” That’s when it starts.

The cruel, cruel siren song of Mother Nature in the springtime will begin ringing in my ears, disrupting my brain and making any attempt at productivity worthless.

Unlike that weak-ass writer Homer, I can tell you exactly what this insidiously tempting song sounds like. It goes like this: “disc golf … disc golf … frolic … frolic…”

Now that I think of it, that song is very similar to the song my Nintendo sings to me, except that one goes “Goldeneye … Goldeneye …”

Now that I think about it even more, I suppose it’s usually one of my roommates as opposed to Mother Nature herself who sings these songs, but let’s not get caught up in semantics.

Anyway, I suppose we are all familiar with this kind of temptation. Therefore, I would now like to turn this column towards a more serious topic: making Iowa State the best land grant university in the nation.

I’ve noticed that many students have spent a lot of time complaining about the administration and policies of this institution. These detractors and their allies say things like “the president’s membership on corporate boards is a conflict of interest,” and “the policies of the university regarding faculty create an atmosphere of fear and repression.”

With all due respect, why should we listen to Ralph Nader and a well-circulated faculty petition, when we all know a prior that Iowa State is as good as it can be?

Instead of complaining about little things, like how Veishea is a celebration of law enforcement as much as it is about celebrating ISU or the student body, I’m going to chip in and do my part to make this place better for future generations. I see it as nothing less than my duty as a columnist.

I think it’s high time that we had a disc golf course on central campus. Think about it. We have one of the nicest campuses around, and most of it serves no purpose (read: it makes no money for the administration.)

Have you ever walked around the big expanses of green grass on the way to class and wondered why they’re there? I’ve always disliked grass, especially when you’re not allowed to walk, play or do anything with it. What does it do? It just sits there being green. I mean, any fool thing could do that. What’s worse, this university spends a lot of money maintaining the grass.

This is not a good return on the investment, and it’s time the administration realized it. This grass should earn its keep. A disc golf course is the perfect solution.

But wait, you say, how will installing golf targets and attracting disc golfers to central campus increase revenues for the administration?

The answer is simple: corporate sponsorship. For those of you who aren’t in the know, the targets in disc golf are basically metal baskets on poles. It would be simplicity itself to allow companies to place small billboards on these poles. That way, you’d have to read the ads in order to get your disc back after finishing the hole. I can already see it in my mind’s eye.

Hole one could be the Bankers Trust hole. Hole two could be owned by the Kerr McGee chemical corporation, featuring a clever “Got benzene?” ad campaign. Hole three could be the administration’s public relations hole, and the advertisement on that pole would emphatically deny that holes one and two pose a conflict of interest.

Of course, hole three would be paid for by the same people who paid for one and two.

Maybe hole four could be the Global Climate Coalition’s hole, and it would claim that there’s no such thing as global warming.

The ad could read “you may think you’re warm now, but really you’re not. Seriously.” The possibilities are truly limitless.

Anyway, that’s my idea. I’m sure it will be rejected by our closed-minded administrators, but a least we already have one course in Ames.

If you feel the need to go play it, please don’t go today at about 4:00. I have a bunch of studying to do and I don’t want too many people tying up the course. Thank you, and good luck studying.

Elton Wong is a junior in biology and philosophy from Ames. He regrets having forgotten about Dre.