Pat Buchanan has a new book coming out. It’s entitled “A Republic, Not an Empire.” In it, he condemns any involvement of the United States in international affairs in which it has no “vital interests.”

He also attacks his usual targets; immigrants, African-Americans, gays, minorities in general and other “hyphenated Americans” who are drowning out the views of traditional white Christians.

Most liberals (and many conservatives) can’t stand Buchanan or his views, which they label as racist, homophobic and isolationist. These people would be shocked if they knew how right Pat Buchanan is.

You see, as a first-generation descendant of immigrant parents, I am fully aware of my purpose and reason for being in the United States. This reason, of course, is the total disintegration and destruction of the American socio-political-economic system, paving the way for the triumphant victory of the Asian Motherland over the West.

We have been very successful so far, I must say. In fact, the only reason I am confident in telling you all of this is because there is nothing you can do. It is already too late.

I must admit that I am not fully aware of all the various international conspiracies, but I do know that just about every non-American country has been infiltrating the society of the United States for some time. It’s not as if people from other countries just “happen” to come to America looking for greater opportunities, political freedom and the like. This is just what we tell gullible, optimistic liberals. Most foreigners in the United States are quasi-government agents with their own nationalistic plots to further. I know I am.

Take, for example, our own Iowa State University. Who do you see working in research labs, in Durham late at night, in the hub? They’re all foreign students. Again, my information is incomplete, because I myself happen to be involved in only a piece of the conspiracy. I’m pretty sure it goes further than I’ve been told. Anyway, the simple reason for the focus on universities is that graduate students are our foremost foot soldiers. When it comes time for the great exodus of foreign talent out of the United States, you will be left helpless, like little children. To whom will you turn when you need to study the efficiency of DNA shuffling techniques on ATP Sulphuralase? Where will you go to find a teaching assistant for Chem 178? Your scientific and educational apparatus will grind to a halt.

As for the current situation, it’s not as if foreign TAs are teaching the truth to impressionable young students. This would be detrimental to the goals of the conspiracy. My friend, Nishant, looks forward to the day when he can be a physics TA and tell his students that Newton’s laws are false and gravity is an illusion. If I ever become a biology TA, I’ll be sure to teach my students that evolution is false. Ironically, Buchanan will be with me on that one.

This presence is by no means limited to universities. Many of your biotechnology firms, your software development companies, your doctors, professors and skilled workers of all kinds are imported from abroad.

My friend, Uri, for example, likes to joke about how he helps control American media. He’s especially proud that you Americans watched “Full House”. Apparently, that show was the result of a bet to see how bad a program could be and still get ratings. He also made similar comments about televised sports.

Apparently, though, even glaring hints like these have escaped the American public, except perhaps for Buchanan. Even he does not understand the extent to which his battle has failed. Buchanan’s attempts to end America’s foreign involvement and stop all immigration are too little, too late. Plus, he’s going to run as a reform candidate. I don’t think we international conspirators have much to worry about. Our presence is too strong, and your mechanisms of defensive disbelief too entrenched. For instance, you probably think this column is satire. “This guy can’t be serious,” you think to yourselves. “It must be a joke.” In response to this, I can only laugh.

Our hope lies now in the continued propagation of current attitudes regarding internationalism and diversity. This attitude, thankfully, is the predominant one among the upcoming presidential candidates, even from republicans such as George Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

Thus, the United States will continue to weaken due to its ever-increasing reliance on outside talent to accomplish its goals. By doing so, it has sown the seeds of its own downfall. You have been warned.

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Elton Wong is a junior in biology from Ames.