Notches are available so long as coeds keep playing the game

Peter Borchers

Saturday was a fantastic day. Never before had I seen so many Iowa State students united in joy as I did that night. I would have thought that the Cyclones’ victory was the cause of everyone’s delight, but thanks to one of the girls standing behind me at the game, I learned that for some people, the football game was not the main attraction.

During the game, I overheard this woman behind me talking. Not necessarily because I was eavesdropping, but more because she was yelling in my ear.

“Tonight’s the night, ladies!” she would say, expressing the kind of unbridled enthusiasm we were all feeling at the time. It was clear, however, that the Cyclone’s stellar defensive play was not the cause of her excitement. In fact, I’m not sure she had a clear understanding of what those men in tight, colorful pants and helmets were doing on the field.

No, she was just excited about the various post-game activities she might be involved in later that night. “There are so many men here tonight,” she kept repeating. “We’ll never see them again! TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”

What excited her was not necessarily the fact that there was an overabundance of men there that night. We all know that ISU always has an overabundance of men.

The real thrill for her was that these men were from the University of Iowa and that Saturday night would be the only night they’d ever see each other.

While she didn’t spell it out, we all knew that her plan for these men involved more than just pleasant conversation or a game of Boggle.

I, for one, found her plan rather refreshing. After all the negative press given to one-night-stands and sexual promiscuity in recent years, it was nice to see that this university can produce the kind of free-thinking individuals who, despite all of those wacky STDs floating around, will boldly say to the world: “Who cares if there’s a chance I might get pregnant, develop weird lumps on my privates or even die.

It’s worth the risk for one night of wild, loveless, animal sex with various anonymous men.”

But our story does not end there. While I thought this woman was just an individual young go-getter acting under her own convictions, I was informed by a secret source (who acquired this highly classified information from another secret source) that this brave woman may have had ulterior motives.

According to my secret source (who shall remain anonymous because I’d hate to get my roommate – whoops! I mean, my secret source in trouble with his girlfriend-er, I mean, secret source) this bold woman may have been participating in a practice that, until now, went unnoticed by men.

This is a widely known, if not widely practiced, activity among women and to some it is simply referred to as The Game.

The rules of The Game are simple. The objective is for a female to kiss or participate in other more complex kissing-like activities with the most men in a given night.

Yes, gentlemen, I’m just as shocked as you are. I thought men were the only people with such an overabundance of hormones and so few brain cells necessary to do things like this.

Not only that, this practice may be more widespread than you might think.

I had multiple women confirm that they had knowledge of or have even participated in such activities.

They say it’s been going on for years, and not just here at ISU, but all around the country.

In an effort to keep The Game a secret from men, no exact records have been kept, but experts say that single night record for a woman may be well into the double digits. And they call men pigs.

But this should come as good news to all of you male pimps and players out there. I know concerns about diseases, pregnancies and lawsuits have made maintaining that swinging lifestyle into the next millennium look impossible.

But don’t give up on your mojo quite yet. As long as college coeds continue to play The Game, you’ll still be able to get those precious notches in your bedpost for years to come.

And next time you’re at a party and you’re looking to “score,” or even just “get a piece,” remember this: If you see a girl wearing something a little too tight, wearing a little too much makeup and drinking a little too much beer, it doesn’t mean she is asking for it.

But it doesn’t mean she’s not, either.

Oh, and for the girl standing behind me at the football game, the guys on the field were playing football, the Cyclones were in red, and we won 17-10.


Peter Borchers is a junior in advertising from Bloomington, Minn. He knows a number of guys who would love to help you ladies win The Game.