Van Damme, this movie is bad. Movies like “Universal Soldier: The Return” exist for one reason only: to make us all grateful they don’t make more of these movies.

How this thing managed to even make it into the theaters is beyond comprehension.

One doesn’t need to be a psychic to figure out this plot, but since it is standard operating procedure…

Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is one of the original members of the Universal Soldier program. This program takes battlefield dead and turns them into automatrons controlled by S.E.T.H., a super-intelligent computer that commands every move.

When the Army decides to cut the Unisol 2500 program in light of current geo-political trends, S.E.T.H. cracks its own programming in an attempt to survive.

He begins creating more Unisols to take over the secret compound.

That’s basically it.

Next thing you know, Van Damme is trying to fight his way out of the compound with a cute and sassy reporter in tow.

Then he has to fight his way back into the compound to attempt to destroy the generator.

By this time, S.E.T.H. has had his program downloaded into a super Unisol body that has five times the normal strength of other dead soldiers.

S.E.T.H. kidnaps Deveraux’s daughter in order to get a secret code from him that will prevent S.E.T.H. from self-destructing.

One could spend a great deal of time and effort picking apart the little inconsistencies that would have made the movie end inside of 15 minutes, had the characters as much insight as the average viewer.

For example, if there is nothing protecting the Unisol implants in the dead soldiers’ heads besides the skulls, why not just shoot these dead guys in the head? No one does that — ever.

You’ve got the army unloading with 50-caliber guns on four of these guys who are just standing there taking the shots, and not one hits them in the head? It’s ludicrous.

But this movie isn’t about high art or great acting, and it would be unfair to judge it by normal criteria.

So, let’s judge it within the context of a cheap, martial arts, sci-fi B-movie for a moment just to be absolutely fair and impartial.

Even for a B-movie, this thing is sub-par. First off, the action was pretty pathetic. Maybe Van Damme is getting old or wants to do more straight acting.

But for those looking to see some great martial arts, look elsewhere. The fight scenes are nothing impressive.

In one scene, Van Damme does some fancy kicks after running up on a wall to get the proper height. That was cool, but it isn’t enough to sustain fight fans.

Michael Jai White plays S.E.T.H. incarnate. Fans will remember White from “Spawn.” White gets in a couple of good shots, but he is supposed to be so huge and powerful that he actually played his fight scenes down a bit.

These movies usually have some kind of comic relief. In this case, it came in the form of Unisol Romeo played by Bill Goldberg. His job is to get kicked around continually by Deveraux and then say things like “Man, I hate that guy,” to the amusement of everyone. Pretty lame.

The other source of amusement came from B-movie standard Brent Hinkley, who plays Squid, a disgruntled, blue-haired punk who had been fired from the program for being a stone freak.

He is the only bright spot in the film, and next to Clint Howard, may be one of the more entertaining B-movie actors in Hollywood.

This film has MUCH less to offer than the first one, and that is within the context of B-movies. It has no serious redeeming qualities.

1 star

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs.