If sneaking into Canada to become a citizen means too much cold for an aspiring expatriate, you might consider turning the tables on Mexico. It’s warm, there are more honeys and low third-world prices.

It works like this: Countless Mexicans risk life and limb to make their way to the United States each year. Why? Is it because they give a damn about free speech rights? Is it because they want to live in a country civilized enough to consider banning flag burning? Is it because they are fed up with the rich culture of their homeland and want to live in the bland, white bread-eating, Jell-O shot-sucking, weak beer-drinking, 68 cable channel-watching El Norte?

I’m betting not. No, the only reason Mexicans come to the States is cash.

American dollars go a long way if you are frugal and spending them in Mexico. What even the laziest Americans make in a month can last nearly a year in Mexico, so why not zag while the others are zigging. Just because you were born in the States doesn’t mean you can’t make your dollars go farther south of the border.

There are a few differences between life here and life there. Be warned: That crap they call Mexican food at Taco Bell isn’t authentic. Real Mexican food, when it’s properly prepared and lovingly cooked by an expert, does not taste like ass. Actual Mexican food is so good that Americans cannot tolerate it. They taste freshly prepared ropas viejas and, like junkies who get there hands on high-quality smack, they immediately go into convulsions. It’s like sleeping on a decent mattress after camping out for a week and getting back cramps.

Here is an effective plan that should enrich your life. Work in the United States as much or as little as you want. Packing plants are a good source of income, and they don’t really care if you are an American or not. They hire plenty of people who come from Mexico. The only drawback is they won’t pay you much if they know you live in Mexico.

Telemarketing is a good option, too. They have no standards and don’t expect you to stay for more than a week anyway. Most of these companies are so desperate for employees they will hire you back in three months even if you walked off of the job.

Do construction in the summer and collect unemployment all winter. A red, white and blue unemployment check will last three times as long in Mexico. Don’t worry about the job, it isn’t that important. Just make some money, put it in a safe place — like your ass — and take it south.

Hell, if it is good enough for American corporations, it is good enough for the rest of us.

And the great part is, you don’t have to sneak across the border. Mexico is very welcoming for gringos. Just take your lazy, big car driving anglo ass on a road trip and the most dangerous part will be the drive through Texas, I guarantee it.

Avoid the tourist traps like Puerto Vallarta and Cazamel. They see a pale face, and they know you’ll pay too much for goods and services. Stick to the real Mexico. Towns like the one in that Antonio Banderas movie; the one where he shoots people with his guitar case and knocks Salma Hayek’s damn boots so hard it isn’t even funny, dude. Man that chick is hot. Did you see her in “From Dusk ’til Dawn?” I don’t care if she was a vampire. She’s so good-looking, man, I’d let her kill me just so long as she used her teeth to do it.

Many of the services we take for granted in the United States don’t exist or are hard to come by in Mexico. Most cities only get five or six channels, and Mexican cable companies don’t have WGN or TNT. They probably get Comedy Central, though; they aren’t savages.

And in spite of the impression many Americans get from watching Robert Rodriquez movies, most Mexicans are very friendly and are not likely to kill you with a jagged beer bottle, a throwing star or a groin pistol. Our neighbors to the south are very amiable and friendly folks. They don’t get pissed and go ape shit if you can’t speak the language. A Mexican grocery store clerk wouldn’t make your life a living hell for being a foreigner like cashiers do in the States. Truth be told, Americans are some of the most intolerant people on the planet now that the Nazis aren’t running Germany. So not being a native is okay in Mexico.

The irony is the sweetest part. How cool would it be to go looking for a better life in Mexico? And you WILL find it. Freedom abounds in Mexico. Just because they don’t have our public relations doesn’t mean you can’t speak your mind or own a gun. Another plus is no extradition. If you do some crimes in the United States, you can still hide out south of the border like a damn cowboy or something.

Another great way to make money while in Mexico is to steal cars from tourists and sell them in chop shops. Rental cars are a nice pick if you get to feeling guilty easily. Just smash the driver’s side window out, unlock the door, crack the plastic off the drive shaft and cross the ignition wires and she’s yours! What could be simpler? You get a nice, new car and the insurance company pays the difference. Screw those gringos anyway. Guilt is for suckers.

And don’t worry about getting busted; the stories about Mexican jails are way over-exaggerated. Believe me, the worst part is they have American companies cater their cuisine. Still, Mexican jails are like Club Med compared to the ones in Dixie. Iowa prisons are still the best, but that’s no surprise. This concern is really only valid if you plan on taking advantage of dirt cheap prices on Corona, Jose Cuervo, and chicas de la noche and starting crap with the locals.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily. Check out his web site at www.geocities.com/SoHo/ Coffeehouse/3366.