I’m getting old and that has its drawbacks. I wake up twice every night to go to the bathroom. I can’t eat Polish sausages after 10 without gagging on acid reflux at two in the morning. I can’t stand teenagers anymore. And I can’t ignore the fact that Britney Spears is jailbait … not publicly, anyway.

On the plus side, I’ll be old enough to make a bid for the presidency in a few years, and when I was a nipper, I got to see “Star Wars” on the big screen in 1977. It was sweet, too.

We saw the Big One at The Indian Hills Theater in Omaha. It has a 65′ parabolic screen, inclined, plush seating, a smoking section, a balcony and the snottiest teenagers in Omaha — that’s PRETTY snotty. I couldn’t appreciate it then, but I look back on this as one of the best movie-going experiences of my life — it rocked!

My parents made a surprise out of it, too. They were drive-in types. They hated movie theaters, so “Star Wars” was also the first time I realized that movies were supposed to have discernible dialogue in them. Before this, I couldn’t imagine seeing a movie before 10:30 p.m. without some loud-ass pick-up truck full of hayseeds parked in front of us.

My parents loaded my sister and me into the Buick one Saturday afternoon and refused to say where we were going. I kept bugging them, so halfway to the theater they said they were putting us up for adoption because they couldn’t stand us anymore.

I didn’t buy it; I was much more charming than I am now. But anyone whose watched American Movie Classics knows that Boy’s Town is in Omaha. When we came to the Dodge Street exit and the big sign said “Boy’s Town — Next Right,” I started to fall for it big time.

At that point, I did two things: I aged 10 years instantly, and I turned the back seat of the Buick into the world’s biggest urine sponge. Good times.

At the first sign of dementia, I’m having my parents committed — and they know it.

This kind of emotional abuse has become kind of a tradition in my family. Every year, I send my mother a birthday card that says: “To you mother, on your birthday. You’re not getting older, just closer to a state-run nursing home.”

Whenever the old man gets tongue-tied: “That sounds like crazy talk to me, Dad, do you know what day this is?” Then we laugh … well, I laugh; they know I’m serious.

I plan to visit them every six months like clockwork. I’ll promise to take them out for the day but at the last minute we’ll just eat Jell-O and watch “Star Wars.” Not the special edition either, just the crappy, old cable copy I’ve had for 10 years. And not the good Jell-O but the green stuff. Then I’ll say, “I bet you don’t think that Boy’s Town joke’s so funny NOW do you, huh?” Then they’ll be sorry.

“Star Wars” sure has touched a lot of lives. I think Joseph Campbell would say it fills our cultural need for hero narratives, and he’d be right. We need shared experiences.

“Star Wars” fans or “geeks,” as they are popularly known, are everywhere. We spent two hours in the Daily office this morning imitating our favorite lines so the finger points squarely at me, too.

Soon, “The Phantom Menace” will be in theaters, and the entire process of “Star Wars” indoctrination will begin again. The first time, the jackasses in Hollywood thought the movie would bomb so George Lucas had absolutely no power. Now, Lucas is not only vindicated, but like me, he is looking for a little payback.

According to an Associated Press article, Lucas is insisting on some ground rules if theaters want this movie. He wants there to be no more than eight minutes of previews before the film begins. He wants no commercials before the movie. He wants the theaters to sign on for two-month showings. And any theater showing the film in two theaters should use more than one print. If they don’t like it, they can show “Babe III: Pig in Outer Space.”

Now, some people think Lucas is a raving ego-maniac and he probably is — aren’t most directors? But it is nice to see a big shot like Lucas doing a little something for the fans. Who among us hasn’t had to watch that cheeseball, Richard Jeni “stand-up” routine about 50 times? I don’t need to pay to see a Coke commercial. It’s torture for free.

You used to get three previews, a “don’t talk” short and that 15-second “feature presentation” filler and that was it.

Nowadays, if a movie is supposed to start at 9 p.m., you can easily be 20 minutes late, buy popcorn and STILL have time to sit through two previews, an anti-drug short and a commercial for the United States Marine Corps.

And a lot of theaters string one print between two theaters, which is hard on the print and reduces viewing quality.

I think Lucas should use this powerhouse film to enact some significant changes in the film industry and the world in general. He could use it as a bargaining chip to end the war in the Balkans if he wanted to.

Personally, I would settle for someone mopping the spooge off the floor between showings. There are monkey houses at the Henry Doorly Zoo with less crap in them.

And how about pimp-slapping those kids who work at theaters? What’s up with the attitude, anyway? They’re the ones who look like circus chimps with those red vests. They’ve got one of the cushiest jobs in Teendom, and they can’t ask if you want butter politely?

And while we’re on the concession stand, maybe Lucas could get theater owners to bring the price of chocolate-covered raisins under three figures.

You’d think the fact that chocolate-covered raisins are disgusting would keep the price down, but most theaters don’t feel the need to move product.

I would also like to see a movie without some oil-soaked reject from “Cape Fear” trying to impress his big-haired woman with witless banter while practicing Tae-Bo on the back of my chair and crunching ice.

God forbid I put my foot on the back of an empty seat without an usher beating me with the rough end of his flashlight while the boys from Gamma Iota Tau (GITs) haze pledges with the rough end of a carrot with total immunity.

Lucas has it within his grasp to attain real social change, if not in the world at large, then at least within the movie theater itself. Here’s hoping he uses his powers for good.

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs. He is opinion editor of the Daily. He loves the smell of gasoline in the morning.