So, you introduce the Olympic selection committee to a few hookers … what’s the big deal? Maybe you also deal them in on a few lucrative investment deals.

What the hell, you even hand them a big ol’ wad of cash and say “Hey, remember Salt Lake City, know what I mean?”

Apparently it’s some kind of a big scandal that anyone would try to bribe the Olympic committee. Why? Don’t tell me anyone didn’t know the Olympics are all about money anyway.

“We’ll be right back with more bobsledding, right after this message from Valtrex — the official herpes treatment of the Salt Lake City Winter Games.”

The only reason anyone would want the Olympics in their fair city anyway is that it brings in all kinds of tourism dollars. It’s kind of like having six Kiss concerts a day for two weeks.

But the reason that people are outraged is because the Olympics are supposed to be a symbol of the world coming together to appreciate athletic prowess.

This is another example of mass delusion in this country that sports represents the best things in our society. Sports are glorified more than Jesus and rock ‘n’ roll put together.

When did this delusion begin, and how the hell can I stop it?

From the age of about six, children in this country are pushed into a world of malicious competition.

Remember those Nike commercials with the little kids spouting the “If you let me play sports …” garbage? That commercial about made me puke.

One notable exception from the list was “If you let me play sports, I’m 89 percent more likely to be the asshole in the lunchroom that picks on all the other kids.”

Instead, that commercial merely supported the myth that sports teach teamwork, promote social skills and generally spawn decent, upstanding citizens. My ass.

At no level in our society, from Little League to Major League, is teamwork considered more important than being a superstar. Just watch any professional sport on television: The announcers spend most of their time talking about individual statistics.

Kids pick up on that. The dream is to be Michael Jordan, not to take home the sportsmanship trophy.

For most kids, the main objective when they’re playing any sport isn’t to win, or even to do their best, it’s merely not to be ridiculed by the other kids.

The kids know who is good and who isn’t, and they’re not shy about expressing it. To suggest it is possible to introduce kids to an activity which clearly outlines achievers and non-achievers, and then expect them not to translate that into a social hierarchy is ludicrous.

Go into any elementary school and I’ll guarantee you the kids who are the best athletes are the ones the other kids both fear and envy. The reason is that at a young age sports are the only place kids feel they can succeed.

Alternatives such as music, theater, art, etc. aren’t introduced to kids until a much later age, sometimes not even until high school.

But the bogus sports machine rolls on into high school as well. Now, not every kid can play. Only the most talented … or the richest … or the ones with the most connections.

Oh wait, my classical conditioning just kicked in. I just remembered that if you work hard and believe in your dream, it will come true. Just like in the movie “Rudy.”

Well, let me tell you about “Rudy.”

I have a theory about how that particular movie came to be. I believe all the high school coaches of America were having their bi-annual meeting in their secret lair, miles underneath the island of Krakatoa.

The gavel had been sounded, the virgin had been sacrificed and the sportsmanship award had been given out. Then it was time for new business.

Several coaches expressed worry that young people were catching on. That working hard and believing in your dream didn’t amount to jack squat. If this news got out it could mean the end of the sports establishment as they knew it.

So it was suggested to fund a big Hollywood movie where determination and all that other crap is rewarded. Everyone agreed this was a good idea, and the snow job of the American people continued.

Why are people constantly looking for athletic accomplishment to be a metaphor for every positive human attribute?

Too many people buy into this “purity of sport” delusion. I know there are a select few who worked hard and made the cut. But for every one of them, there are at least 100 working at the Arby’s drive-thru, firmly believing that they just didn’t want it enough.

More than anything, sports are about money and power. Always have been, always will be. Their very nature is competition, and while that may be an innate need, there is nothing glorious about it.

So please don’t tell me you were shocked by the Olympic games being tarnished by bribery. If corruption in athletics stirs your soul, you’ve probably misplaced your faith.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from Ames. If you don’t hate him already, he’s also a Hawkeye fan.