I’m giving up. It was thoroughly proven to me that college students can’t have fun without alcohol. A lot of people even left the university Veishea weekend because they couldn’t even handle the thought of having to go two agonizing days and nights without their precious beer. And they say they don’t have a problem.

Even people who were here, and did have fun, still say that “it kinda sucked.”

I understand why they would say this. For many students, Veishea weekend was the first time they didn’t wake up in their own vomit and not having the sweet smell of puke to ease you out of bed in the morning would upset just about anyone.

Yes, Iowa State students drink — heavily. And so do the students at every other university in the country. This proves that alcohol prevention programs have all been bigger failures than the Flaming Lips Experiment.

It’s time for the university to build liquor stores in the dorms. The idea is almost too simple. Why does ISU let outside companies make money off our drunkenness? Liquor stores in the dorms could do wonders for the university.

Even if only half of the students living in dorms spent only $5 a week on beer, the university would still take in nearly a million dollars a year from these stores. They could use this cash to repair damage caused by alcohol-induced rages, such as my floor’s bathroom stalls. They might not even have to bother with the room and board increase.

But why stop at beer? This is a golden opportunity to provide a store for every college student’s basic needs: sex, drugs and alcohol. Put in a smoke shop. Sell cigarettes. Sell “premium” cigars. And let’s not forget condoms. Since students are destroying their livers and lungs, let’s prevent as many “little cyclones” as possible.

Purchasing liquor doesn’t have to be a hassle. ISU could make it possible for its students to drink themselves stupid without ever leaving their rooms.

For a small charge, they could deliver right to your dorm room. This service would not only provide additional jobs for students, it would also keep the drunks off the streets. Students could even put it right on their meal card to make it easy for everybody.

This plan could even go nation-wide. Why not brew beer right here on campus and distribute it around the country? They could even call the beer “Veishea.” I always thought it sounded like a good name for a drink anyway. Imagine it: “Veishea-Premium American Lager.” Who wouldn’t buy that?

I’ll admit, there are some logistical problems with this whole plan. But all of these can be worked out. Some may say this would promote alcohol use on campus. Well, those people are right. But is that really bad?

Iowa State has been trying to attract more people to the dorms recently. I can’t think of anything that would attract more students to the dorms than beer. Well, maybe hookers, but that would be down right silly, now wouldn’t it?

I’m not saying the university should break any laws either. I know it would be unrealistic to believe they would sell to minors. But this shouldn’t hurt sales. Minors already have someone buying for them, so this should not be a problem. But we don’t want to discriminate against those who don’t have 21-year-old friends. That’s why these university liquor stores should post a list of 21-year-olds right outside the door. An extra service for students — free of charge.

Nobody is going to honestly deny the fact that minors drink. They probably drink more than the older students. It’s time for the university to take advantage of this gold mine.

Liquor stores in dorms might even attract students to the university whose soul purpose is mass consumption of alcohol. This is a great idea. They can pay their thousands of dollars and skip all their classes and flunk out after a year or two. It could lower tuition for everybody. All the dorms would be full and we wouldn’t have to hire extra professors because these folks don’t go to class in the first place. Again, it’s free money.

Yes, ISU has a drinking problem. If the university has the guts to give up the losing battle and provide a simple service for the students, both the students and the university can profit. It is a fact that college students need beer. Beer obviously needs people. ISU has both. Think about it. Support the dorm liquor stores and make the university a better place for everybody.

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Peter Borchers is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Bloomington, Minnesota.