Iowa State is a campus with many problems. This is to be expected. The logistics of running a campus of this size would fry my brain like blackened catfish. Which is why we have an army of administrative bureaucrats to run around this place to sort them out for us. But administrators are often too confined by their duties to be truly dynamic problem solvers, which is why it is up to us to make suggestions whenever possible to help shoulder their burden. The powers that be want a Veishea that rakes in enough dough to choke a horse yet is so boring that no rational, fun-loving human being would ever want to attend. This is a genuine catch-22. Really, how DOES one reconcile a greedy, public relations scheme with an absolute abhorrence of outsiders and the celebratory activities they expect to find when they get here?

When Veishea began all those years ago, this state was so homogenous it made milk look brown in comparison. The kind of element you didn’t want in town back then couldn’t reasonably get here by horse and buggy. But nowadays, people can drive great distances to take part in the celebrations of many diverse communities just like ours. But because they aren’t all as smart as me and you guys are supposed to be, they think the terms “festival” and “celebration” mean that they can have fun or maybe even drink. The poor feeble-minded savages. People are going to alter their consciousness however they choose and even if you outlaw every form of mind-altering substance known to man, there is still TV.

And if you unplug all the televisions, somebody would still beat themselves into an altered state with the cabinet or use the cord to auto-erotically asphyxiate themselves because getting off is in the nature of most animals. Life is a wild ride, man! Why would anyone ever want to drive several hours from their cozy homes to hang out with colorful carnies, self-absorbed students and xenophobic Ames townies and give away their hard-earned cash if they WEREN’T drunk?

It would take 1000 units of thorazine to get me here. Ames is the rudest little berg this state has seen since Screw-You-Tooville died at the end of the coal boom. You can stay home and let the carnival come to your town four times a summer to bilk you and not have to rent a second-rate hotel room. Even the I.R.S. will come to your door to take your money.

And if I REALLY wanted to spend a gloriously mind-numbing weekend wide-eyed sober hanging out with this many cops, I could always rob a liquor store. At least that would be an adrenaline rush. But then I wouldn’t get tear-gassed unless I took hostages.

At least if you hung out in prison you could drink and lift weights without some pudgy bully in a badly fitting uniform hassling you because you look like “trouble.” And anyone having too much fun in Ames is “trouble.” There are countries under martial law that have a smaller police presence than this town. My uncle was here for Veishea and he said he didn’t see this many guys with guns when he was in Nam.

If you happen to be one of the minority of foolish civil libertarians who publicly advocates that the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and the laws of our state and nation support such base acts as the consumption of alcohol by adults, then you are immediately denounced as a foul, subhuman drunkard who should leave town by the hordes of Buffy the Moodslayer, prep squad, Up With People wannabes who cultishly promote abstinence from alcohol as synonymous with wholesomeness and good clean fun.

These people push Veishea like the Hitler Youth Book Club did with Mein Kampf. They take this loud and proud attitude about conformity that just makes me sick. No wonder we have riots. In a town like Ames where the ratio between men and women is just too steep and there isn’t enough action to keep Barney Fife interested, something has to give. Preaching restraint and threatening action against the fun-loving is not only foolish, it’s dangerous.

You want a new direction for Veishea? Here’s one: legalized prostitution — subsidized by the university for all to enjoy. What genius came up with the bright idea of making it illegal to sell something you can give away for free anyway? More damage is done by outlawing drugs and prostitution than was ever caused by allowing them to go on unfettered. This town needs a new whorehouse, too. The old one is falling apart, it’s too hard to find and it’s only set up to accommodate the people at the top.

If we changed Catt Hall to Catt House, we could solve that whole issue pretty quick and with delicious irony. ISU should perform this as a public service anyway. We could put a little science and technology into it. Biotech hookers. You would never have a problem recruiting decent athletes again. We could have NCAA championships in all sports within the next year. We could be the best university in the United States without even trying because we would have our pick of all of the greatest minds to fill our departments. Professors would kill themselves trying to get tenure here.

Look around at all of these dilapidated dormitories. Is there any reason that they should all be falling apart with long overdue maintenance problems, rust, asbestos, mold and crumbling concrete. No, I say. Why should so many buildings sit empty all summer long when they could be filled with reasonably-priced professional call girls who could stem the flow of violence on this campus by completely eliminating sexual tension in Central Iowa. Ames could be the Vegas of the Midwest.

This whole university is a whorehouse anyway. The Union looks like a mall food court. It used to be you could gather there with your friends, drink coffee and study; now it’s designed to keep you moving and generate a profit. And didn’t some civic-minded genius want to put a Golden Arches in the Hub a while back? What gonad-brained gimp came up with that one?

All I am advocating is that if you’re going to prostitute yourself, go all the way!

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Greg Jerrett is a graduate student in English from Council Bluffs.