Restroom etiquette in the dorms is the most serious problem facing our world today. Well, okay, maybe it’s not as important as, say, ethnic cleansing. But it’s at least as important as unemployment and a little more important than Catt Hall.

Scientists have recently linked poor behavior in the restroom to a number of social ailments, like underage drinking and poverty. Unfortunately, issues like underage drinking and poverty are often the cause of inadequate bathroom etiquette. What this creates, in addition to filthy vagrants defecating on restroom walls, is a vicious circle. Unfortunately, Iowa State has not followed the lead of its fellow Midwestern universities. So far, no Dormitory Restroom Etiquette Club (D.R.E.C.) has been established and the students are suffering.

One problem that many residents of the dorms will recognize is vomit. Why exactly drunken students seem compelled to visit the restrooms, I don’t know. It’s not like they generally throw up in the toilets, anyway, so much as on and around them. It would seem to save a little trouble, or at least an often difficult stagger down the hall, if they’d just throw up on their walls, themselves, or random passersby.

Unfortunately, when these drunks move on to the sinks to clean themselves up, they run into another problem facing our residence hall restrooms. When the sinks were installed, apparently the engineers didn’t foresee students who actually had dishes to wash. Most residents don’t mind, however, and have turned this blunder into a community service. Many leave large chunks of half-eaten meals in the dorm sinks as a sort of gift for others to enjoy who may not have gotten a full meal themselves. It would seem to me the proper thing to do would be to organize this often chaotic operation. Why not just make the row of sinks into a full range buffet? It would be simple to designate certain entrees for each basin and maybe even set up theme nights.

This, in itself, would pose another problem and one that can best be illustrated by describing my neighbor, Ralph. Ralph is the sort of guy that, if poaching him were legal, he could keep a small- to medium-sized village comfortably fed for about four months. Now Ralph, like so many residents, doesn’t like to shower. It isn’t so much that he’s a dirty person — Ralph just questions the cleanliness of the shower stalls. He also doesn’t fit into them real well. A typical week includes at least a couple of rescue missions involving Ralph, a cramped shower and the floor crowbar. Anyway, Ralph, like so many others, prefers to bathe in the sinks.

We could solve this problem by convincing people like Ralph that the showers are clean, but first we’d have to convince the other residents to quit using them as litter boxes. I realize that the increased target size is a serious advantage, but students cite other reasons for their behavior. Though I’m sure there are some who are physically incapable of flushing, I think I’ve discovered a number of underlying reasons for this most heinous of bathroom offenses:

1) Conservation. Many students are concerned that our water supply is dwindling and are simply doing their part to solve the problem by not flushing. These people are often the same ones who don’t use toilet paper, either out of concern for our planet’s forests or because the paper comes straight from the computer labs and is often decorated with text files.

2) Fear. Though many are unwilling to admit it, they are afraid to flush. Either frightened by the rushing water or the loss of a crucial part of oneself, many flee restrooms in terror every day, unable to confront the porcelain beast.

3) Political statement. There are dozens of ways that fanatics have effectively fought the system over the decades. Refusing to flush ranks among the most rebellious, right up there with plane hijacking, military coups and campus hunger strikes. Hunger strikes are especially radical. For example, my grandmother once refused to eat until I changed her rubber underwear. My reasoning, of course, was that if you don’t eat, why do you need your underwear changed? Grandma, God rest her soul, failed to see the logic.

4) Time constraint. In today’s hectic world, many don’t have time to flush. I suppose we should just be thankful for the few out there who still take the time to use the toilet, rather than, for example, a potted plant.

5) Religious convictions. Most organized religions, like the Teamsters, forbid flushing on account of it being a mortal sin. If Moses never flushed, why should we?

6) Difficulty level. Like brain surgery, flushing a toilet is no simple task. The engineers who fashioned the modern toilet obviously never used one themselves and couldn’t fathom the difficulty it presented to the common man. Or woman. Highly technical surveys have established that women, like men, do indeed sometimes use restrooms.

7) Generosity. A common reason for this breach of etiquette is actually benevolent in nature. Ever since preschool, we’ve been taught to share with others, and all of a sudden society tells us to stop. For many, flushing is like destroying a gracious gift, meant for the enjoyment of everyone. The only gift you can’t return. Well, I guess you could. With the right tools. At any rate…

8) Peer pressure. Even if you can avoid all of the other arguments, it’s still hard to go against the grain. It’s common knowledge that you can’t be cool if you flush. The girls, of course, will have nothing to do with you. They flock, instead, to the fraternities, where members are pistol-whipped for using the toilets at all, much less flushing them. In addition, the media doesn’t help. You’ve never seen Joe Camel or the Marlboro Man flush. In fact, I seem to recall one commercial where Joe actually used a potted plant.

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Ron DeMarse is a sophomore in liberal studies. Jim Keck is a sophomore in biology.