It is time to conclude a semester’s worth of incessant rambling about subjects of little importance. On to more important things — like waiting tables.

Once again, this summer I will resume my six-year waitressing stint at a restaurant in Des Moines. Being the oldest non-career waitress at a restaurant gives you a unique perspective into the organization and to the nature of the business. I mean, when the majority of employees just got their driver’s licenses, a soon-to-be-22-year-old can feel pretty wise.

Oftentimes while serving, I have thought I could write a book about all the oddities and annoyances of waiting tables. However, since I don’t think I have enough information or patience to write a book, I will use this column to highlight some of the more irksome habits of restaurant customers compiled through conversations with fellow servers.

The Perpetually Cold

Granted, when you are enjoying a meal at a restaurant, you want to be comfortable, but there are some people who wouldn’t be warm with an electric blanket in the Sahara. Not only do they want their soup heated to the temperature of molten lava, but they insist the heat in the restaurant be cranked until the windows of the joint resemble a greenhouse.

Cracker-crumblers

I love kids as much as the next server, but when a parent asks for crackers for their child to munch on, I shake my head and dread the aftermath.

You see, kids don’t really eat the crackers. Instead they pound them between the table and their little fists until the plastic wrappers explode, flinging cracker crumbs into every crevice of the booth and onto the floor. Customers may see servers smile as they use one of those little motorless vacuums to clean up crumbs, but it’s a fake smile.

And if a child actually manages to get the wrapper open, they put one cracker in his/her mouth and suck on it until it is a slobbery, unrecognizable mass of flour which they leave on the table or in the booster seat.

Stiffers

People who don’t tip are the worst customers a server can have. If, as a customer, you are not satisfied with your meal, complain to the server or the manager. Usually, you will get something else for free or won’t have to pay for whatever it is that you didn’t like. But at least give your server a chance to make the meal better. Servers make under $3.00 per hour, so if customers don’t tip, a server is making less than minimum wage. The suggested amount is 15 to 20 percent of the check.

runk-thieves

Something about alcohol makes customers want to steal restaurant decorations that commemorate their intoxication. Everything from framed pictures of Elvis, to those plastic “table talkers” on the tables, drunk customers think all restaurant decorations would look better in their apartment.

Gum-leavers

People who leave disgusting things at their tables for servers or bussers to clean up need to follow one guideline: If the waste is not related to your meal, don’t leave it at the table. For example: Used napkin — OK; used Kleenex — not OK. Furthermore, don’t leave your ABC (Already Been Chewed) gum on the plate, in the ash tray or under the table. Someone has to pick up that squishy little mass full of your saliva. Trust me, it’s not as fun as it sounds.

Snappers

Sometimes customers who desperately want their busy server’s attention will resort to methods like snapping, waving frantically, or saying “Miss! Oh, Miss!” repeatedly. Little do they know that when a server witnesses a customer doing one of these things, that server does every other task possible before helping that customer.

Actually, for the most part, I love waiting tables. I get to be cheesy, talk to interesting people and make pretty good money. So don’t feel too bad for me, I’ve developed my own juvenile ways to deal with customers like those listed above. Just remember, when you go to a restaurant to eat, that your server is working hard and deserves a good tip. Origami money creations are cool, too.

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Erin Walter is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.