It was the perfect romantic scenario — the lights were low and the music was soft as Katie Koestner, 18, and her date, Peter, slowly danced under the glow-in-the-dark stars.

She was wearing her long, black velvet dress with rhinestones. He was wearing a three-piece suit. They were dancing in Koestner’s dorm room at the College of William and Mary in 1990.

They had just come from a formal dinner date where Peter ordered dinner in French, including two glasses of champagne. Koestner said she doesn’t drink, but didn’t want to ruin a date over a glass of champagne. She had two sips. He had two glasses.

“I definitely gave in to those two sips of champagne,” Koestner, now 24, said to a crowd of about 100 in the Memorial Union Wednesday night during her speech titled “No-Yes.”

A sexual awareness and prevention advocate, Koestner described her experience of being raped on the third weekend of her freshman year of college.

“Some people might call it passion,” Koestner said. “But getting raped changes your entire life.”

Date with Peter

Koestner said she had been “hanging out” with Peter for 10 days. After dinner on the 11th night, she suggested they go back to her room to dance instead of going to a fraternity party.

“Different people are going to think totally different things when you invite them over,” she said.

At one point, Koestner said they were on opposite sides of the room, but she could see from a full-length mirror that Peter, who said he was warm, was taking off his suit.

She believed him. “I am the most naive woman you’ve ever met,” Koestner said, referring to when she was a freshman. “Human emotions are not so simple. I had a crush on him.”

Koestner said Peter, who weighed about 50 pounds more than she, resembled a model out of GQ magazine.

“I felt trapped,” she said. “I said ‘no’ more than 12 times in one night. How many times does ‘no’ mean ‘no?'” she asked. “Perhaps if you would’ve been me you would’ve said, ‘get out.’ Do you think he would have left?”

She said she didn’t kick, scream or push him back. Instead, Koestner said she protected herself by putting her legs together tightly and crossing her arms across her chest. She said she couldn’t scream because of a bruise inside her mouth.

Koestner said her father, an FBI agent, gave her some mace before she left for college. Although she didn’t take it to dinner, Koestner said she hadn’t thought of using it during the rape, even though it was a few feet away from her.

After going through the proper channels, Peter was found guilty of rape. However, Koestner said his penalty was to stay away from her dorm for a semester.

Thankful toward men

Koestner said she was grateful for the 15 to 20 men who came to hear her speak, stressing that rape is not just a women’s issue.

“If I were speaking about the Holocaust, would only Jews come? If I were speaking about the civil rights movement, would only blacks come?” she asked.

“Is silence consent? Don’t take silence as consent,” Koestner said. “My challenge to you is to do better than silence.

“Silence is the easy way out. There’s more you can do besides say, ‘I don’t like rape.'”

Koestner stressed communication, responsibility and respect in relationships and advised victims of sex crimes to receive medical attention within 72 hours of the incident. She also said it is important for a person to tell someone about the crime, whether it be the police, a friend or a physician.