Tetmeyer: ‘Mad Max’ has come true

Columnist Grant Tetmeyer predicts the end of the world. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Stock up on food, hoard bottled water, take a shower! The water is running out, and George Millar and Mel Gibson were right: “Mad Max” has come true. And with renewable resources nowhere near the levels needed to prevent this or even slow it, now is the time. Dear reader, grab your sharpened metal, hoard all the oil and gas you can and learn to like eating human flesh because the time is now. While we still have the luxuries that we enjoy every day, now is the time to make the wasteland runners, form your alliances, prepare to find glory on the Fury Road and pick your horrible apocalypse name. 

If you are confused, then let me explain, my dearest reader. The Colorado River is at historic lows, and the lakes that it feeds into, Lake Mead and Lake Powell, are, too — so much so that it may prompt a water shortage in the area in June. Experts attribute this lack of moving wetness to climate change. Since there wasn’t as much snow packed in the Colorado Rockies, not as much melted and flowed down the mountain into the river and subsequently into those two lakes. Nevada and Arizona have given up water in a drought contingency plan with Arizona poised to lose roughly 18 percent of its water supply. 

Now, this may seem like the problem of those states. I mean, they decided to make a city in the desert. They had to know this was going to happen eventually. But this is all our problem. With less water, we can make less alcohol, soda, coffee, energy drinks. We can’t water our lawns, make bread and we wouldn’t even be able to get a glass of water. It also breaks the power dynamic of the world wide open. For he who controls the water controls the world. 

With the state of Earth and the political climate surrounding the climate change debate, there are no signs this will stop anytime soon. So, if we can’t do something about the problem itself, we can certainly prepare for the consequences of leaving it alone.

First, you will need to brush up on your combat skills. Visit your local dojo or Army base to learn the proper techniques used to effectively kill wasteland murderers. Next, empty your savings and take some of it to your local gun store and arm yourself to the teeth — because gun beats fist every time, and just because the world collapsed doesn’t mean you don’t have your Second Amendment rights. 

Next, go to Walmart and buy as much water and oil as you can. You can go to an auto store and a grocery store separately, but capitalism has blessed us with megastores like Walmart, so you might as well enjoy it while they still exist, before Toecutter turns it into his hideout or gladiator arena. If you really want to, you can try and take the Walmart, but I would wait until you have more wasteland followers before trying it. And don’t just survive off of the Walmart water. Get as much as you can so you can amass a following the size of a small city, just like the great wasteland leader Immortal Joe. 

And you can’t forget the gas. How will you roam the dried up wasteland in your rolling death machine without a full and happy tank? You can’t, and we don’t want to let all that twisted craftsmanship go to waste. After all, the divine engine told you to make it and rule the world, and you can’t let down the divine engine. And if you were going to cheap out and buy a really fast car, good luck. A Ferrari has never done well with potholes, let alone deal with wasteland combat. 

So, as you go to the scrap yard to get cheap metal, remember these tips because you may need this advice sooner than you think.