Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece. 

Texas has finally proposed the perfect solution to the most pressing issue that faces America today. Not COVID-19, not climate change, not Texas’ terrible power infrastructure and not even racial inequality. Texas state Rep. Bryan Slaton has filed a bill that would open the way for the state to punish women and physicians the same as murderers for performing abortions. 

There have been multiple bills like this introduced in the past. But unfortunately, they have all either died in a committee or been withdrawn over concerns that it would make lawmakers targets for opposition groups. And we must protect our public representatives against public criticism from members of the public regarding how they treat their own bodies. Because we all know that the best person deciding what a woman can do with her body is a stout Baptist man.

Roe v. Wade, for those that don’t know, was a landmark Supreme Court case that provided constitutional protections for those seeking abortions using the flimsy rationale that a woman has the liberty to choose what she does with her body. But with the death of the honorable Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes the opportunity to finally overturn this ruling and protect a pulsating ball of cells that is no more than a parasite over a full-grown woman.

This proposed bill even covers the normal loophole that these monsters use. This bill would criminalize abortions even in the case of rape or incest, a normal “defense” for the performance of this ungodly procedure. Because even a traumatic and unwanted creation of life is still a creation of life and we must protect it. 

You may be wondering how Texas would be able to try these murderers as the murderers they are. Well, the new bill, if made law, would classify abortion as assault and even homicide and try both physician and patient as such. These crimes are punishable by death in the state in an attempt to protect the child up to birth and no later.

The bill would also require a person to testify in the death or bodily injury to a child and would give that person immunity from prosecution if they did.  It would even instruct the state attorney general to enforce the bill, regardless of any federal law or court ruling stating otherwise. It would finally put government in charge of women’s health while giving a middle finger to that pesky national government. 

In a state that is famous for touting a rebel spirit and freedoms of the Constitution, it’s great to see them finally embrace government in such a major and disruptive way. Rep. Slaton said that the bill simply wants to treat an unborn child, which is not a viable human until its five month of gestation, the same as a born child — because your health doesn’t matter as much as one of God’s creations.