I am writing to provide context to the story published on March 11th regarding my experiences in a mixed-race relationship. I was disappointed that my husband’s and my interview was somewhat taken out of context. During the interview we discussed how things have changed from when we were first dating until now. We have been together for 23 years and things have definitely shifted during that time. While there is certainly work to be done, it is important to acknowledge the ways our experiences of racism have changed. For example, as the article describes, early in our relationship, we faced very direct forms of racism, such as safety issues and offensive comments.

I am concerned the article inferred the experiences we described are more current rather than things we experienced over two decades. This is not to say we no longer experience issues related to our relationship based on our respective racial identities; however, overall, we receive general acceptance from others. The issues we experience more often now are what could be described as micro-aggressions, defined as common, everyday interactions that send negative and potentially harmful messages to people based on their identity outside of a dominant group. These types of messages typically feed into stereotypes and are essentially insulting and offensive.

A few examples would be when I was pregnant and others would say things such as, “Ooohh … you are going to have such cute babies. Mixed babies are so cute.” Of course, I agree my babies are really cute, but I am biased, and overall, this is an example of how mixed-race couples and subsequently their mixed-race children are treated as “exotic” and objectified. Another example is when people completely dismiss my husband’s racial identity because he doesn’t “look black” or “talk black,” so in other words, he doesn’t fit their stereotypes. Instead of expanding their understanding and awareness, they say things like, “Oh. I don’t even think of him like that.” And I shake my head and say, “Like what?!?” To the person saying this, they infer they are offering him a compliment, when in essence they are perpetuating one more type of racism and that is what we need to be having conversations about. In our relationship, we cannot ignore the direct blatant forms of racism, nor can we ignore these everyday “unintended” forms of racism.

They directly impact our lives, the way we raise our children and how we support them in integrating their own racial identities. I hope that others choose not to ignore these important conversations. We live in an increasingly globalized society. Becoming aware of how our own identities influence our interactions with others is important and leads to increased cultural competence, which ultimately can lead to unification and greater appreciation of the diversity among us.

It is important to point out that my partner’s and my relationship is just one window into the experience of a mixed-race couple. There are so many factors that influence our experiences beyond race, including the geographic areas we grew up in, the sub-culture of growing up in the city vs. a very homogeneous rural area, our socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, our sexual orientation, along with our age and individual experiences.

In closing, I suggest instead of the title, “Couple discusses troubles they have experienced as a mixed-race couple,” that our story be described as a look at the rewards and challenges of being in a mixed-race relationship. I like to think we have a lot of wonderful things to talk about and coming from two very different backgrounds has greatly enriched our lives.