EDITORIAL: Yeah, Ames has two mayors, now: What of it, world?

Editorial Board

We’re excited to have Fred Hoiberg back in Ames. We’re also looking forward to seeing the reemergence of men’s basketball as a premier program here at Iowa State under his leadership.

Hoiberg’s return, however, presents a new problem for residents of our fair city: We’re faced with the predicament of living under the rule of two mayors — “Mayor” Fred Hoiberg, and, of course, Mayor Ann Campbell.

You see, during Hoiberg’s four-year tenure as a member of the ISU basketball team, he received multiple write-in votes for mayor in the 1993 election. Ever since, Cyclone fans have referred to him affectionately as “The Mayor.”

We’ve already given Hoiberg a key to the city, and we’ve already named him our unofficial mayor.

Some towns have no mayor, we are lucky enough to have two.

How often — and we ask this question rhetorically — have you had to use the word “mayors?”

But now, with Hoiberg’s return to Ames, Mayor Campbell and ‘Mayor’ Fred Hoiberg have an interesting situation on their hands.

With two public servants vying for Ames’ support, how can we strike a balance between the unique skills and abilities of each?

First, we should conduct a Mayor-switch day to compare the skills of our two fantastic mayors. It could be a hit prime time reality TV show — “Mayor Swap.”

Who doesn’t want to see Ann Campbell T’d up for cursing in a referee’s face? (We wonder what kind of fast-break strategy she’d have.)

And who wouldn’t want to see Fred Hoiberg conducting “new business” at City Hall, or doing other mayor-ey things?

Or, even better, we should hold a Mayor-off day, in which the city’s two leaders compete in various mayoral tasks, such as a game of H-O-R-S-E or some type of proclamation-signing contest.

(This could also make a great TV show, American Gladiator style.)

The winner would be announced as mayor of mayors in a city proclamation, signed by him- or herself.

OK, so maybe that’s not realistic, but here are some actual, legitimate suggestions for changes to be made.

First, change the name of the student section at men’s games from “Cyclone Alley” to “The Constituents.” We’d all wear top hats, refer to players as “Gentlemen of the Council,” and Hilton Coliseum would necessarily be renamed “City Hall.”

Just imagine if the atmosphere — our famous Hilton Magic — were as explosive as the magic in Ames’ bimonthly City Council meetings.

Oh, and just to take this to the extreme, Jamie Pollard would have to don “Governor” as his new title.

Sure, it might not make a great reality TV show, but it would be completely awesome. It’d probably make the news. We could probably even get it into the Iowa State Daily, at the very least.

So let’s make it happen, to get both of our amazing mayors some publicity. Suddenly, the camera crews descend upon Ames, and we collectively scream:

“Yeah, we have two mayors, and they do two different things — but they both kick ass and take names.”

So, Mayor Campbell, we’re happy to have you.

And coach Hoiberg, we’re happy to have you, too. We just hope you both co-exist peacefully.

At least until the 2013 election…