Well, I sure breathed a sigh of relief last weekend when Sen. John Glenn safely arrived home from outer space.

Yes, I watched C-SPAN for a full four hours as the Space Shuttle Discovery not only landed but taxied down the runway and stopped.

I think it was at about the three- and-a-half hour mark, while technicians were checking the seal on a Jell-O pudding snack-pack, that I really started wondering how all those experiments on the elderly had gone.

For those of you who thought the whole thing was a PR stunt for a foundering government program, I’ll have you remember that those experiments were the real reason we sent our finest American back into space.

I can just hear the transmission:

“Houston, this is Discovery.”

“Go ahead Discovery.”

“We have confirmation: John Glenn is still old in outer space.”

“Affirmative.” (muffled cheer)

What a great moment in the history of the American space program, right up there with when they realized that one of the interns from MIT screwed one of the Hubbell telescope lenses on wrong.

But aside from all the good that John Glenn’s research is going to do for elderly Americans in substandard nursing homes, I’m really not sure that the trip was the best possible allocation of resources.

There’s a number of equally pressing topics that need to be addressed with high-cost, zero-gravity research.

For instance, what is the effect of zero-gravity on the reproductive systems of mules?

We all know mules are infertile here on earth, but what about in outer space?

Come on people, the applications are obvious.

With a super-race of pack animals, we could lay siege on that bastard Saddam Hussein and put in an American-friendly puppet-government. Our old pal Augusto Pinochet could use a job.

Or what about Cap’n Crunch? Does it still stay crispy in milk … in zero-gravity?

Is Kraft Macaroni & Cheese still the cheesiest?

Does Home Team Pizza still taste like ass?

As long as we’re on the subject of corporate product-testing, wouldn’t a little product placement be a good idea?

Tang has had a corner on the space market for way the hell too long.

“Hey, John Glenn, what’s that you’re doing over there?”

“Oh, Jimmy, I was just cracking open a cool, refreshing can of Pepsi One.

Only one calorie, Jimmy, even in zero-gravity.”

The space program receives a large portion of its funding from private donations anyway. You slap a few logos on ol’ Discovery, sell some really bitchin’ T-shirts, and you got a money maker on your hands.

This “mission” was to a large degree about PR anyway, and I am not saying that’s a bad thing.

I’m just saying that if you’re trying to bolster support for the space program, why not go all out?

John Glenn is a national hero, but his appeal is largely lost on me and the younger generation.

On the other hand, you send one of my favorite MTV VJs into space, and I’ll be captivated. At least for about 3.9 seconds.

Even better yet, send Mr. Snuffulupogus into space. How exactly does re-entry effect woolly, giant-bird trips?

If you ask me, NASA really biffed on the entertainment value of the whole thing.

They thought John Glenn was going to entertain America? We’re the country that canceled “The Golden Girls,” for Christ’s sake!

Why not send midgets into space?

Better yet, midget wrestlers?

I mean, come on, with a couple pay-per-view, zero-gravity midget wrestling matches, NASA could have had the entire nation in the palm of its hands.

All of these suggestions would have drummed up more support and more dollars for the space program.

I scoff at those who say we shouldn’t spend more money on the space program.

Didn’t Ronald Reagan teach us anything?

I for one still believe in the trickle-down system.

It may not have gotten there yet, but that money is coming for the poor, homeless and disabled. It’s just taking longer than Reagan and his top advisor Bonzo thought it would.

In the meantime, let’s keep funding a program that pursues one of the most basic quests of human nature, the quest for understanding.

Those of you who thought the basic quests were for food and shelter were obviously mistaken.

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Ben Godar is a junior in sociology from Ames. He will be around all summer as arts and entertainment editor of the Daily. Enjoy the buffet! This column originally ran on Nov. 13, 1998.